Don't Fall Asleep Too Soon

“Don’t cry my angel, I’m here.” I whispered in her well pierced ear, knowing that to her all she would feel was cold air. I watched you every day sat in the same place, holding the same picture, saying the same words over and over again.
“Don’t let go, don’t let go, don’t let go, don’t let go.” I listened to her crying. It had been 2 years and my girl still cried every day, she hardly left our house. She hardly spoke to anyone, the only person she spoke to was Dougie, and he was almost as bad as her. They spent their new lives dwelling on what had happened. It was horrible, I will admit it, I mean I was the driver, and I hadn’t done anything wrong (women drivers I say), I wish I could’ve turned back time, I would’ve left the girls with my Amie, I wouldn’t have insisted I took them out for the day, it might not have been my fault that we had the accident but it was my fault they were in the car.
“There’s no need for you to cry over me now, I’m not in pain anymore.” I whisper. I sat here every day with you with my arms around you, wishing you could see me.
I remember it as if it was yesterday, the screaming, the smell of burning, the shouting, everything. I remember looking in the mirror and seeing one of our gorgeous girls covered in blood and not moving even though she looked like she was still asleep, she was the youngest and the most vulnerable because she hadn’t been well since she was born, and I remember looking across to the other back seat where our other daughter was crying her eyes out, I glanced around her and saw that her legs were heavily bleeding and her head was bleeding a lot. “Dad, I’m scared.” Louisa screamed. “It’s ok sweetheart, just calm down, this is just a game we play; you know that game that me and your uncle’s play on the Xbox, when we crash those cars, well this is the real life version, it’s ok, we’re just playing.” I said trying to keep her calm.
“Daddy why is iris not moving, what’s wrong with Uncle Danny, why’s he not in the car with us.” She asked I didn’t know what to say, Danny had been thrown from the car as we crashed.
“Your uncle Danny is just playing too, he’s pretending to be asleep so he won’t have to go back. You know what he’s like when we have to take him back to Sarah.” I said. I moved myself up so I could see Danny, he was lying lifeless on the ground, I could see blood pouring from his head and I knew that he was gone, but how do you tell a 10 year old that their god father and one of their favourite people in the world might be dead.
“Dad is Iris dead.” Louisa asked
“No, of course she’s not, she’s just sleeping, and you know what your sister is like she could sleep for England.” I said not wanting to admit that her little sister might be dead.
“Dad, I’m tired, and my head hurts.” Louisa suddenly said after a while of silence.
“You can’t go to sleep, you’re not allowed, you’ll have to stay awake.” I said. “Dad, why is everyone crowded around Uncle Danny? I want to sleep Dad, please.” I heard her cry. I looked round and saw her eyes closing.
“Louisa, you’ve got to stay awake, because if you don’t I won’t and then we’ll all be in big trouble.” I said trying to turn round as I turned round I saw her fully shut her eyes go limp. I felt pain rushing through me and I had to turn back round, I felt tears roll down my face and as I wiped them away I looked at my hand to see the tears mixed with blood, I lifted my hand reached to the back of my head, I looked at my hand and saw my hand covered in blood. I screamed for help but I felt myself getting drowsy by the time anyone got to me and I knew I couldn’t help anyone myself now, I looked in the mirror at my girls, looking so peaceful and I thought I would join them, I let my body shut down and slowly took what I thought was my last breath. The next thing I remember was in the hospital; Amie was sat next to me holding my hand tightly pleading me to stay.
“Stay with me, don’t fall asleep too soon, the angels can wait for the moment” she begged me, the tears that were falling from her eyes were breaking me apart every time I saw one fall, but I couldn’t hold on, within minutes I was stood next to Amie my hand on her shoulder trying to comfort her.
“Please Harry, I’ve lost both my girls, and Danny’s brain dead, I can’t lose you as well.” I heard you cry. I knelt down next to you and whispered in your ear, “I’ll always be here for you.”
So here I am again, sat next to Amie, listening to her talk to herself.
“The house is so quiet now, no screaming 4 year old shouting because her big ugly sister stood on her favourite Barbie pony thing.” Amie said smiling slightly. “And I remember the way you shouted at her for been a drama queen, and that she didn’t play with it so stop making a fuss and you’d tell her not to call her sister ugly because her sister could call her much worse things.” I said chuckling to myself as I tried to join in the conversation. “and I’d always be shouting at you Harry, for getting them over excited, you’d take them down the park and chase them back and they’d never go to sleep because they are too hyperactive. We’d lie in bed and half an hour later we’d hear Louisa say, ‘Iris, are you still awake.’ And before Iris could answer we’d be stood by the door and you would be laughing while I would try to be sensible, you would just collapse on the bed with them and start tickling them. We used to have so much fun just us four, now it’s all over. Danny’s not improving, they want to pull the plug on him, and so if you see him up there Harry, tell him to get back to his body quickly it’s been two years for crying out loud.” I heard you say, I had seen him, I’d seen him desperately trying to get back into his body, trying his best to come back, I want to tell her that he isn’t coming back and that he is with Sarah now, they can go together, but she can’t hear me she just puts a jumper on and shrugs it off, she doesn’t realise I’m still here, I’m always here. “Harry, please show me you’re here, please prove to me that I’m not alone, I need to know you are here.” She cried I tried to make her hear me, I tried my hardest but she wouldn’t. I went out to the kitchen and gently picked up the note pad and wrote a note and left it by the door. I sat in the chair and watched you get up to get it and listened to you read it out loud.
“Those chills in the evening, they won’t go away”

(based on the song Chills In The Evening, with quotes, by V and Mcfly)