Ok, I'm here to apolgise
I haven't posted since god knows when
and i have the hugest backlog
so big im not bothering
this blog is now dead
sorry!
MH
Monday, 4 May 2009
Friday, 3 April 2009
Open Your Eyes
Why do you sleep so deeply?
Tormenting me with worry, despair and grief
Why won’t you wake up?
Wake up, so you can hold me in your arms once more, whispering words of comfort in my ear?
Please, I’m begging you!
Open your eyes, wake from your endless sleep
So you can kiss me one last time
Leave me with pleasant memories
Not those of death, pain and chaos that haunt me now
Please
NB: This is based On Don't Fall Asleep Too Soon. The person talking is Amie, and the person she's talking to is Danny, who is still in a come after 2yrs. He is not dead, yet.
Tormenting me with worry, despair and grief
Why won’t you wake up?
Wake up, so you can hold me in your arms once more, whispering words of comfort in my ear?
Please, I’m begging you!
Open your eyes, wake from your endless sleep
So you can kiss me one last time
Leave me with pleasant memories
Not those of death, pain and chaos that haunt me now
Please
NB: This is based On Don't Fall Asleep Too Soon. The person talking is Amie, and the person she's talking to is Danny, who is still in a come after 2yrs. He is not dead, yet.
Watching The World
I sat in the tree. Watching. Watching people rush past me. Flustered over trivial things. While I sat here. Debating with myself as to what I should do. Contemplating my life, and whether it was worth living anymore. So, whilst the people around me got stressed about as stupid a thing as money, I considered my options:
1. Go home and be beaten up for the fourth time today
2. Runaway and live a life of misery no better than my current one on the streets
3. End this torture. I have the necessary dose.
I was wavering towards No. 3, but I was still undecided.
I’d wait a while, see how things turned out, I compromised with myself, unable to come to a decision at the present moment in time.
So here I sit. That was two months ago. Things haven’t got better, if anything, they’ve got worse. I spend all my time here now, my own personal escape route from the endless pain and suffering I occasionally mistake for a life. But I’m not content. Watching people lead the kind of normal life I was deprived of just leaves me more depressed than when I got here. Even after leaving my life behind, punctuated with abuse and beatings as it was, I was still unhappy.
And, as I walked past the gravestones and memorials for one last time, given them all one last, long look, I rejoiced there was no one left to care. At least I wouldn’t be causing any grieve when I died, unlike my mother, the cause of my dad’s insanity.
And, as I swallowed the deadly overdoes of premeasured painkillers, from the same bottle as my mothers, I was surprised I wasn’t feeling pain. As I drifted, slowly losing conscious, I was comforted by the final thought that Death was strangely pleasant, compared to the wounds my knife had cause earlier.
So, with that final thought, I slowly fading away, never to feel pain again, welcoming Death with open arms.
1. Go home and be beaten up for the fourth time today
2. Runaway and live a life of misery no better than my current one on the streets
3. End this torture. I have the necessary dose.
I was wavering towards No. 3, but I was still undecided.
I’d wait a while, see how things turned out, I compromised with myself, unable to come to a decision at the present moment in time.
So here I sit. That was two months ago. Things haven’t got better, if anything, they’ve got worse. I spend all my time here now, my own personal escape route from the endless pain and suffering I occasionally mistake for a life. But I’m not content. Watching people lead the kind of normal life I was deprived of just leaves me more depressed than when I got here. Even after leaving my life behind, punctuated with abuse and beatings as it was, I was still unhappy.
And, as I walked past the gravestones and memorials for one last time, given them all one last, long look, I rejoiced there was no one left to care. At least I wouldn’t be causing any grieve when I died, unlike my mother, the cause of my dad’s insanity.
And, as I swallowed the deadly overdoes of premeasured painkillers, from the same bottle as my mothers, I was surprised I wasn’t feeling pain. As I drifted, slowly losing conscious, I was comforted by the final thought that Death was strangely pleasant, compared to the wounds my knife had cause earlier.
So, with that final thought, I slowly fading away, never to feel pain again, welcoming Death with open arms.
The Cliff
My world shook as sobs racked my body, it still surprised me this much pain was possible. I’d lost count of how long I’d been sitting there, the hours seeming insignificant compared to the devastating trauma of what I was going to do.
I slowly got up, wiping the tears from my face. I walked closer to the edge of the cliff, breathing in what would be one of my last few breaths. I was standing on the edge now, looking down into the black, stormy sea below me. I no longer had a good reason to live, so I wasn’t going to. My confidence surprised me, as I took the last few steps of my life. My feet were already half way over the edge, and I teetered dangerously on the edge, knowing full well I could drop at any given time.
I took the crumpled piece of paper out of my pocket, smoothing it out as I reread the words scrawled on its rough surface one final time.
Dear Society
I know whoever is reading this had probably never heard of me, and I probably haven’t been reported missing. That’s okay, that’s what I expected. My name is Jasmine Isabella Hale. My drivers licence and passport are in my jacket pocket, so you can identify me properly. This was suicide, no accident. No one is responsible but me. I killed myself because I couldn’t see the point in life anymore. My family is dead, Jasper, my husband for 2yrs, is dead; everyone else has left me, unable to stand my pain. My will is in my pocket with my licence and passport. I want to be buried near Jasper, if possible. I apologise if I’ve caused you grief through my death.
Goodbye Cruel World
Jasmine I. Hale
00:00am 01/01/10
Satisfied with its content, I secured it under a nearby rock, pinning it to the ground. All preparation complete, I drew in my last breath, holding it for ten seconds, before I stepped over the edge.
And, as I fell to my death, I screamed.
You may have realised that I can't write short and happy simultaneously. Sorry, it's not something I can help.
I slowly got up, wiping the tears from my face. I walked closer to the edge of the cliff, breathing in what would be one of my last few breaths. I was standing on the edge now, looking down into the black, stormy sea below me. I no longer had a good reason to live, so I wasn’t going to. My confidence surprised me, as I took the last few steps of my life. My feet were already half way over the edge, and I teetered dangerously on the edge, knowing full well I could drop at any given time.
I took the crumpled piece of paper out of my pocket, smoothing it out as I reread the words scrawled on its rough surface one final time.
Dear Society
I know whoever is reading this had probably never heard of me, and I probably haven’t been reported missing. That’s okay, that’s what I expected. My name is Jasmine Isabella Hale. My drivers licence and passport are in my jacket pocket, so you can identify me properly. This was suicide, no accident. No one is responsible but me. I killed myself because I couldn’t see the point in life anymore. My family is dead, Jasper, my husband for 2yrs, is dead; everyone else has left me, unable to stand my pain. My will is in my pocket with my licence and passport. I want to be buried near Jasper, if possible. I apologise if I’ve caused you grief through my death.
Goodbye Cruel World
Jasmine I. Hale
00:00am 01/01/10
Satisfied with its content, I secured it under a nearby rock, pinning it to the ground. All preparation complete, I drew in my last breath, holding it for ten seconds, before I stepped over the edge.
And, as I fell to my death, I screamed.
You may have realised that I can't write short and happy simultaneously. Sorry, it's not something I can help.
By You
I sat in the tree, the greenness surrounding me blocking out all the unwelcome mental images. I sighed, and, try as hard as I might, I couldn’t stop the flashback.
“What’s up? You look uncomfortable.”
“That’s because I am. I can’t keep pretending anymore.” I looked at him curiously, wondering what he meant.
“I can’t keep pretending I like you when I don’t. I’m sorry, but this is the end.” My mouth fell open, as your words slowly sunk in, ripping a hole in my chest. I sat down on the hard ground, wondering why he had to choose such a beautiful place to break my heart. His words echoed in my head, repeating over and over as I watched him walk away, becoming no less than a silhouette against the night sky. I curled into a ball, trying desperately to hold my shattered heart together with my weak-seeming arms.
My heart was shattered then, and now it’s just not there. The wounds growing worse with time, never to heal, as this hole in my life grows.
I was nothing. I spent my time walking around in an empty shell, all that’s left of my once happy self. I sighed, gazing out to sea. And then it occurred to me. So obvious I couldn’t work out why I didn’t see it before.
I jump down from the tree, walking towards the cliff edge with a determined look on my face. My only reason for existence was gone, never to brighten my now dull life again. So why should I carry on living?
As I fell, I welcomed Death with open arms, glad the pain was finally over.
Based on New Moon (2nd in twilight saga) and By You, a song by Mitch Hansen Band and inspired by New Moon
“What’s up? You look uncomfortable.”
“That’s because I am. I can’t keep pretending anymore.” I looked at him curiously, wondering what he meant.
“I can’t keep pretending I like you when I don’t. I’m sorry, but this is the end.” My mouth fell open, as your words slowly sunk in, ripping a hole in my chest. I sat down on the hard ground, wondering why he had to choose such a beautiful place to break my heart. His words echoed in my head, repeating over and over as I watched him walk away, becoming no less than a silhouette against the night sky. I curled into a ball, trying desperately to hold my shattered heart together with my weak-seeming arms.
My heart was shattered then, and now it’s just not there. The wounds growing worse with time, never to heal, as this hole in my life grows.
I was nothing. I spent my time walking around in an empty shell, all that’s left of my once happy self. I sighed, gazing out to sea. And then it occurred to me. So obvious I couldn’t work out why I didn’t see it before.
I jump down from the tree, walking towards the cliff edge with a determined look on my face. My only reason for existence was gone, never to brighten my now dull life again. So why should I carry on living?
As I fell, I welcomed Death with open arms, glad the pain was finally over.
Based on New Moon (2nd in twilight saga) and By You, a song by Mitch Hansen Band and inspired by New Moon
Voices
She pleads with you, she begs for you to let her be. The voices tell you to ignore her cries to live. They tell you to forget her outburst because she isn’t worthy of life anymore. They tell you to destroy her, to break her beyond repair. It’s the voices that want her to feel pain, not you, but you must obey them. You cannot control them. The way they so violently tantalize you, they send shivers down your spine. I can see it in your eyes when they take over. I watch you, helpless as you drag her away to the confines of your shabby room. From there, I can only listen. Voices are our only connection anymore it seems. I lay awake, the covers pooling at my feet, and wrapped tightly around my frame. It’s the voice of a new young woman pleading for her life, for her dignity. It’s your voice when they take over, the cruel and harsh way in which you spit out each and every word. Your voices however are different. They are only audible to you. Sometimes they disappear for awhile, and those are the moments I have come to cherish. But when they come back, when they enter your weak and nimble body, I fear you. I don’t want to fear you because I am meant to love you.Another day ends like all of the others; you come home with another victim and angrily drag her by the hair and into your room. I can see tears of fear, flowing freely down her cheeks as you drag her by me. Her eyes plead with mine, and my own show only sympathy...for which person in front of me I am not exactly sure. Her blonde hair falls in messy waves across her face, some spots stained crimson from blood. I notice a small cut upon her forehead and silently pray for you to finish her off quickly. She doesn’t deserve this, none of them do.The door shutting is like another break in the long directory of cracks in my heart. I hear her scream, and I hear you laugh. You shriek at her, tell her that she’s a whore and she doesn’t have the right to breathe. Noises which sound like strangled sobs and whimpers descend from her mouth in one last plea for life. My guess is you will deny her, and nearly minutes later when all sound stops, I know that I was right.Its times like tonight that I wish that she was here. She was the only person whom could stop this. She loved you, and you loved her, or so I assumed. Together we were a great family. I don’t understand why she had to end it all. Why couldn’t she weather the storm? Was I too horrible for her to bear? Didn’t I love her enough? Didn’t you love her enough? My brain contemplates these thoughts daily; it’s my escape from reality. Where one horrible life ends, another begins.The door creaks on its hinges and I know you are exiting the blood bath you consider your room. I bet that poor girl is still lying carelessly on the floor. I also bet that you don’t care. You walk towards me, a strange look in your eyes and I sense it. The voices are gone and it’s really you again.
“What are you still doing awake? Go to bed sweetie.”I shiver at your use of words. I used to find it cute when you would call me that, until the night you spoke to one of your victims in a similar tone.“Don’t you like that sweetie? Aren’t you enjoying this?”Without another word I remove myself from your existence and enter my room. Closing the door I change for the night before walking towards the bed. Sometimes I pretend that you come in after me, and kiss me on the forehead like you used to. As much as I want it to become reality, a part of me fears that if you enter now, you will be the only one to ever exit alive. I’m not blind, I’ve noticed it. The way my shoulder length brunette hair keeps lightening, the way my figure is maturing. Soon enough it will be my turn, I know that you see it too. One day I will become your victim, one day you will end my life like you have ended so many others. No one can stop you, nobody is aware of the voices, no one but me.So, in a fleeting attempt to keep my humility intact, I redirect, instead walking for my side drawer. Opening it slowly I sigh in relief as no noises are emitted. Looking through it, my breathing increases. No doubt I am working myself up for what lies ahead. Once finding it, I begin to shiver. But thinking of you instantly focuses me back on the task at hand.I imagine that it’s you pulling my hair, knotting it with your large and bruised hands. I pretend that it is you whom throws me to the floor, and begins to claw my skin violently. My imagination tells me it’s you who pulls out the sharp razor and begins to disfigure my once smooth and supple body. My screams of pain increase as every cut deepens and the sensation of blood trickling down my flesh has my head spinning. I’m so caught up in this world that I forget the truth. I cannot place reality from fiction, and I forget that you aren’t here with me. I blank on the fact that you are really just outside of my room.Blood, dark and dirty, it’s sort of like a secret. Its creamy substance smears my clothes and carpet as I wither on the ground. Convulsions take over as I lose more and more of that crimson fluid. I know I am one step closer to death, one step closer and back to her.Before the finale takes over, I allow myself one more thought. I wonder desperately why she did what she did. Why did my mom kill herself, and why did I let you take the blame? I’ll never understand, but at least now I will never have to question it again. Why did you resort to murder after her death? Does it make you feel like more of a man? Do you enjoy watching the life dance right out of their eyes? That’s why you pick blondes you know, they each in their own way, look like mom. Are you telling me you wanted her death on your hands? Is this the unspoken way you share with me your true feelings? I don’t know this answer either. I don’t know it like I don’t know you. I was there for you after moms passing, why couldn’t I be enough, Dad? Was I ever enough?It’s over in this moment. To me this feels like a bad movie finally coming to its end. I can be free now; I don’t need to live in fear. What kind of life is it where a child lives in fear of their father? Where a child has to pray day by day that it won’t be there last?Luckily I had the courage to end it. I stopped you from getting to me. And now as I am lifted from my body, I pray of you one more thing. Harry Judd, husband, friend, but most importantly daddy, please don’t blame yourself...it was never your fault. The voices told you to do it.
A Mcfly story, hence the Harry reference
“What are you still doing awake? Go to bed sweetie.”I shiver at your use of words. I used to find it cute when you would call me that, until the night you spoke to one of your victims in a similar tone.“Don’t you like that sweetie? Aren’t you enjoying this?”Without another word I remove myself from your existence and enter my room. Closing the door I change for the night before walking towards the bed. Sometimes I pretend that you come in after me, and kiss me on the forehead like you used to. As much as I want it to become reality, a part of me fears that if you enter now, you will be the only one to ever exit alive. I’m not blind, I’ve noticed it. The way my shoulder length brunette hair keeps lightening, the way my figure is maturing. Soon enough it will be my turn, I know that you see it too. One day I will become your victim, one day you will end my life like you have ended so many others. No one can stop you, nobody is aware of the voices, no one but me.So, in a fleeting attempt to keep my humility intact, I redirect, instead walking for my side drawer. Opening it slowly I sigh in relief as no noises are emitted. Looking through it, my breathing increases. No doubt I am working myself up for what lies ahead. Once finding it, I begin to shiver. But thinking of you instantly focuses me back on the task at hand.I imagine that it’s you pulling my hair, knotting it with your large and bruised hands. I pretend that it is you whom throws me to the floor, and begins to claw my skin violently. My imagination tells me it’s you who pulls out the sharp razor and begins to disfigure my once smooth and supple body. My screams of pain increase as every cut deepens and the sensation of blood trickling down my flesh has my head spinning. I’m so caught up in this world that I forget the truth. I cannot place reality from fiction, and I forget that you aren’t here with me. I blank on the fact that you are really just outside of my room.Blood, dark and dirty, it’s sort of like a secret. Its creamy substance smears my clothes and carpet as I wither on the ground. Convulsions take over as I lose more and more of that crimson fluid. I know I am one step closer to death, one step closer and back to her.Before the finale takes over, I allow myself one more thought. I wonder desperately why she did what she did. Why did my mom kill herself, and why did I let you take the blame? I’ll never understand, but at least now I will never have to question it again. Why did you resort to murder after her death? Does it make you feel like more of a man? Do you enjoy watching the life dance right out of their eyes? That’s why you pick blondes you know, they each in their own way, look like mom. Are you telling me you wanted her death on your hands? Is this the unspoken way you share with me your true feelings? I don’t know this answer either. I don’t know it like I don’t know you. I was there for you after moms passing, why couldn’t I be enough, Dad? Was I ever enough?It’s over in this moment. To me this feels like a bad movie finally coming to its end. I can be free now; I don’t need to live in fear. What kind of life is it where a child lives in fear of their father? Where a child has to pray day by day that it won’t be there last?Luckily I had the courage to end it. I stopped you from getting to me. And now as I am lifted from my body, I pray of you one more thing. Harry Judd, husband, friend, but most importantly daddy, please don’t blame yourself...it was never your fault. The voices told you to do it.
A Mcfly story, hence the Harry reference
Don't Fall Asleep Too Soon
“Don’t cry my angel, I’m here.” I whispered in her well pierced ear, knowing that to her all she would feel was cold air. I watched you every day sat in the same place, holding the same picture, saying the same words over and over again.
“Don’t let go, don’t let go, don’t let go, don’t let go.” I listened to her crying. It had been 2 years and my girl still cried every day, she hardly left our house. She hardly spoke to anyone, the only person she spoke to was Dougie, and he was almost as bad as her. They spent their new lives dwelling on what had happened. It was horrible, I will admit it, I mean I was the driver, and I hadn’t done anything wrong (women drivers I say), I wish I could’ve turned back time, I would’ve left the girls with my Amie, I wouldn’t have insisted I took them out for the day, it might not have been my fault that we had the accident but it was my fault they were in the car.
“There’s no need for you to cry over me now, I’m not in pain anymore.” I whisper. I sat here every day with you with my arms around you, wishing you could see me.
I remember it as if it was yesterday, the screaming, the smell of burning, the shouting, everything. I remember looking in the mirror and seeing one of our gorgeous girls covered in blood and not moving even though she looked like she was still asleep, she was the youngest and the most vulnerable because she hadn’t been well since she was born, and I remember looking across to the other back seat where our other daughter was crying her eyes out, I glanced around her and saw that her legs were heavily bleeding and her head was bleeding a lot. “Dad, I’m scared.” Louisa screamed. “It’s ok sweetheart, just calm down, this is just a game we play; you know that game that me and your uncle’s play on the Xbox, when we crash those cars, well this is the real life version, it’s ok, we’re just playing.” I said trying to keep her calm.
“Daddy why is iris not moving, what’s wrong with Uncle Danny, why’s he not in the car with us.” She asked I didn’t know what to say, Danny had been thrown from the car as we crashed.
“Your uncle Danny is just playing too, he’s pretending to be asleep so he won’t have to go back. You know what he’s like when we have to take him back to Sarah.” I said. I moved myself up so I could see Danny, he was lying lifeless on the ground, I could see blood pouring from his head and I knew that he was gone, but how do you tell a 10 year old that their god father and one of their favourite people in the world might be dead.
“Dad is Iris dead.” Louisa asked
“No, of course she’s not, she’s just sleeping, and you know what your sister is like she could sleep for England.” I said not wanting to admit that her little sister might be dead.
“Dad, I’m tired, and my head hurts.” Louisa suddenly said after a while of silence.
“You can’t go to sleep, you’re not allowed, you’ll have to stay awake.” I said. “Dad, why is everyone crowded around Uncle Danny? I want to sleep Dad, please.” I heard her cry. I looked round and saw her eyes closing.
“Louisa, you’ve got to stay awake, because if you don’t I won’t and then we’ll all be in big trouble.” I said trying to turn round as I turned round I saw her fully shut her eyes go limp. I felt pain rushing through me and I had to turn back round, I felt tears roll down my face and as I wiped them away I looked at my hand to see the tears mixed with blood, I lifted my hand reached to the back of my head, I looked at my hand and saw my hand covered in blood. I screamed for help but I felt myself getting drowsy by the time anyone got to me and I knew I couldn’t help anyone myself now, I looked in the mirror at my girls, looking so peaceful and I thought I would join them, I let my body shut down and slowly took what I thought was my last breath. The next thing I remember was in the hospital; Amie was sat next to me holding my hand tightly pleading me to stay.
“Stay with me, don’t fall asleep too soon, the angels can wait for the moment” she begged me, the tears that were falling from her eyes were breaking me apart every time I saw one fall, but I couldn’t hold on, within minutes I was stood next to Amie my hand on her shoulder trying to comfort her.
“Please Harry, I’ve lost both my girls, and Danny’s brain dead, I can’t lose you as well.” I heard you cry. I knelt down next to you and whispered in your ear, “I’ll always be here for you.”
So here I am again, sat next to Amie, listening to her talk to herself.
“The house is so quiet now, no screaming 4 year old shouting because her big ugly sister stood on her favourite Barbie pony thing.” Amie said smiling slightly. “And I remember the way you shouted at her for been a drama queen, and that she didn’t play with it so stop making a fuss and you’d tell her not to call her sister ugly because her sister could call her much worse things.” I said chuckling to myself as I tried to join in the conversation. “and I’d always be shouting at you Harry, for getting them over excited, you’d take them down the park and chase them back and they’d never go to sleep because they are too hyperactive. We’d lie in bed and half an hour later we’d hear Louisa say, ‘Iris, are you still awake.’ And before Iris could answer we’d be stood by the door and you would be laughing while I would try to be sensible, you would just collapse on the bed with them and start tickling them. We used to have so much fun just us four, now it’s all over. Danny’s not improving, they want to pull the plug on him, and so if you see him up there Harry, tell him to get back to his body quickly it’s been two years for crying out loud.” I heard you say, I had seen him, I’d seen him desperately trying to get back into his body, trying his best to come back, I want to tell her that he isn’t coming back and that he is with Sarah now, they can go together, but she can’t hear me she just puts a jumper on and shrugs it off, she doesn’t realise I’m still here, I’m always here. “Harry, please show me you’re here, please prove to me that I’m not alone, I need to know you are here.” She cried I tried to make her hear me, I tried my hardest but she wouldn’t. I went out to the kitchen and gently picked up the note pad and wrote a note and left it by the door. I sat in the chair and watched you get up to get it and listened to you read it out loud.
“Those chills in the evening, they won’t go away”
(based on the song Chills In The Evening, with quotes, by V and Mcfly)
“Don’t let go, don’t let go, don’t let go, don’t let go.” I listened to her crying. It had been 2 years and my girl still cried every day, she hardly left our house. She hardly spoke to anyone, the only person she spoke to was Dougie, and he was almost as bad as her. They spent their new lives dwelling on what had happened. It was horrible, I will admit it, I mean I was the driver, and I hadn’t done anything wrong (women drivers I say), I wish I could’ve turned back time, I would’ve left the girls with my Amie, I wouldn’t have insisted I took them out for the day, it might not have been my fault that we had the accident but it was my fault they were in the car.
“There’s no need for you to cry over me now, I’m not in pain anymore.” I whisper. I sat here every day with you with my arms around you, wishing you could see me.
I remember it as if it was yesterday, the screaming, the smell of burning, the shouting, everything. I remember looking in the mirror and seeing one of our gorgeous girls covered in blood and not moving even though she looked like she was still asleep, she was the youngest and the most vulnerable because she hadn’t been well since she was born, and I remember looking across to the other back seat where our other daughter was crying her eyes out, I glanced around her and saw that her legs were heavily bleeding and her head was bleeding a lot. “Dad, I’m scared.” Louisa screamed. “It’s ok sweetheart, just calm down, this is just a game we play; you know that game that me and your uncle’s play on the Xbox, when we crash those cars, well this is the real life version, it’s ok, we’re just playing.” I said trying to keep her calm.
“Daddy why is iris not moving, what’s wrong with Uncle Danny, why’s he not in the car with us.” She asked I didn’t know what to say, Danny had been thrown from the car as we crashed.
“Your uncle Danny is just playing too, he’s pretending to be asleep so he won’t have to go back. You know what he’s like when we have to take him back to Sarah.” I said. I moved myself up so I could see Danny, he was lying lifeless on the ground, I could see blood pouring from his head and I knew that he was gone, but how do you tell a 10 year old that their god father and one of their favourite people in the world might be dead.
“Dad is Iris dead.” Louisa asked
“No, of course she’s not, she’s just sleeping, and you know what your sister is like she could sleep for England.” I said not wanting to admit that her little sister might be dead.
“Dad, I’m tired, and my head hurts.” Louisa suddenly said after a while of silence.
“You can’t go to sleep, you’re not allowed, you’ll have to stay awake.” I said. “Dad, why is everyone crowded around Uncle Danny? I want to sleep Dad, please.” I heard her cry. I looked round and saw her eyes closing.
“Louisa, you’ve got to stay awake, because if you don’t I won’t and then we’ll all be in big trouble.” I said trying to turn round as I turned round I saw her fully shut her eyes go limp. I felt pain rushing through me and I had to turn back round, I felt tears roll down my face and as I wiped them away I looked at my hand to see the tears mixed with blood, I lifted my hand reached to the back of my head, I looked at my hand and saw my hand covered in blood. I screamed for help but I felt myself getting drowsy by the time anyone got to me and I knew I couldn’t help anyone myself now, I looked in the mirror at my girls, looking so peaceful and I thought I would join them, I let my body shut down and slowly took what I thought was my last breath. The next thing I remember was in the hospital; Amie was sat next to me holding my hand tightly pleading me to stay.
“Stay with me, don’t fall asleep too soon, the angels can wait for the moment” she begged me, the tears that were falling from her eyes were breaking me apart every time I saw one fall, but I couldn’t hold on, within minutes I was stood next to Amie my hand on her shoulder trying to comfort her.
“Please Harry, I’ve lost both my girls, and Danny’s brain dead, I can’t lose you as well.” I heard you cry. I knelt down next to you and whispered in your ear, “I’ll always be here for you.”
So here I am again, sat next to Amie, listening to her talk to herself.
“The house is so quiet now, no screaming 4 year old shouting because her big ugly sister stood on her favourite Barbie pony thing.” Amie said smiling slightly. “And I remember the way you shouted at her for been a drama queen, and that she didn’t play with it so stop making a fuss and you’d tell her not to call her sister ugly because her sister could call her much worse things.” I said chuckling to myself as I tried to join in the conversation. “and I’d always be shouting at you Harry, for getting them over excited, you’d take them down the park and chase them back and they’d never go to sleep because they are too hyperactive. We’d lie in bed and half an hour later we’d hear Louisa say, ‘Iris, are you still awake.’ And before Iris could answer we’d be stood by the door and you would be laughing while I would try to be sensible, you would just collapse on the bed with them and start tickling them. We used to have so much fun just us four, now it’s all over. Danny’s not improving, they want to pull the plug on him, and so if you see him up there Harry, tell him to get back to his body quickly it’s been two years for crying out loud.” I heard you say, I had seen him, I’d seen him desperately trying to get back into his body, trying his best to come back, I want to tell her that he isn’t coming back and that he is with Sarah now, they can go together, but she can’t hear me she just puts a jumper on and shrugs it off, she doesn’t realise I’m still here, I’m always here. “Harry, please show me you’re here, please prove to me that I’m not alone, I need to know you are here.” She cried I tried to make her hear me, I tried my hardest but she wouldn’t. I went out to the kitchen and gently picked up the note pad and wrote a note and left it by the door. I sat in the chair and watched you get up to get it and listened to you read it out loud.
“Those chills in the evening, they won’t go away”
(based on the song Chills In The Evening, with quotes, by V and Mcfly)
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